Tales From the Waiting Room (and other stories)

Our Chickens Have come Home to Roost

And apparently that is all they're doing.

When one thinks of chickens, the word "industrious" doesn't automatically spring to the front lobe of the brain. But is it too much to ask that when we faithfully pour chicken feed into their feeding bin and make sure they have plenty of water, and most of them are females--that we get some eggs in return? Have I mentioned the heat lamps and light timers so that they think it's still summer? Since there are no chicken labor laws (yet) limiting their production, this has always worked in the past. 

So the other day I actually had to bu..purcha... Words cannot describe my pain as only a picture can.

 

Soon our newer chicks should be old enough to start laying, so we shall not be put in this position again. Only then will shame be erased and self-worth restored.

Nate, who is in charge of the chickens, got in an unspecified accident while doing chores the other day. After making a couple of inquiries, I suddenly remembered that trying to obtain accurate stories about injuries from boys who were horsing around makes me reach for the Advil. So instead, I decided to photo-document it as any self-respecting blogger would. Since this fortuitously happened on a Thursday morning, which is when Abigail's physical therapist comes to the house (she's also an RN), I figured we'd butterfly it and ask her opinion. 

Plus one's doggie to comfort one in time of distress doesn't hurt. Our nurse friend Jeanne pronounced the butterfly bandage well-done, and no stitches necessary. Then Nate and I discussed what was really important: What story to tell girls in the future when they asked about the scar. My suggestions ranged from shark attack to tiger brawl. Nate said "What if I just explain that I was horsing around with my brothers and got a piece of metal to the face?"

Apparently, my son never wants to date. 

But back to the weather. I got this update yesterday because I subscribed to text updates from the local station. That's right, I'm a happenin' 21st century mom. 

"Persons traveling early this morning should be prepared for icy road conditions. Black ice is nearly impossible to see. Avoid sudden turns and hard braking, and maintain a safe distance between other vehicles. In case of an accident, pull far off the roadway if possible and remain in your vehicle."

Some people never listen. 

We found this guy when we were on our way home, nearly to our driveway. By that time, the guy's buddy had been summoned and was waiting at the bottom of our drive to take him home. Mind you, when I drive the 15-passenger Eggplant, I need a certain amount of traction to make it up our icy driveway when coming in from the highway. But the buddy was parked at the end of our drive. When I slowed and motioned that I had to get in, he kept making waving motions and shouting "We're okay! He just has to get some medication for his children out of the truck."  I said "I live here, and need to get in my driveway." He finally said sorry and backed up, but by then I had a line of motorists behind me that were Not Happy at being stopped on a highway. It was a process, but I finally got backed up enough to get the traction needed to get up our award-winning driveway. 

As I later relegated the tale to our children, 15-year-old Josh said "Hah! Yeah right, had to get 'medication for his children' out before the authorities arrived." 

I hadn't thought about it like that. He's probably right, it might have indeed been -medication-, but probably not something he'd want anyone else to get dibs on. 

But enough about family problems and weather-related incidences. What really matters is that, apparently, the show Two and a Half Men has been canceled. As many times as I could say that I'd seen it coming due to the mildly-put substance abuse by the show's main character, I had hoped that those involved would continue to work around him. Apparently, this came to its inevitable end. A friend of mine--Olive's Pearls (who remains humble despite being a part of BlogHer)-- and I have been on death watch for Charlie Sheen for a few weeks now. Here was our exchange today:

Jen: "That horrific scream you just heard was Jon Cryer and Conchata acknowledging their unemployment. Hey, in an unprecedented turnabout, perhaps they should replace Sheen with Michael J. Fox. I'm pretty sure Fox could play drunk."

Me: "They could re-name it 'Spin City.'

Jen: "It's just so freakin' sad. Such a good show, and such talent all around. It hadn't even jumped the shark yet, and he has to blow it all to pieces. Carlitos, you have let me down!"

Me:  "It's not over until Conchata sings."

Jen: (about her 11 year old daughter): "It involved a long and carefully edited explanation of what Charlie Sheen's been up to, a description of the wacky truisms of Yogi Berra and a few very basic facts about opera, but it was worth it to Agatha share in the LOL." 

Me: "I am now burdened with the task of trying to make the phrase 'wacky truisms of Yogi Berra' work seamlessly into a conversation."

Jen: "We're too erudite and renaissance for own good."

-----

Since Jen's IQ is slightly (okay, a lot) more than mine, I had to stop there. Just know that I mourn the loss of this show. It got me through some difficult times in my life. As they say, "Laughter is the best medicine that won't get you taken to court after your pickup ends up in the ditch."

Safe travels, everyone. 

 

Tired Out

No more snow accumulation for us today, just bitter cold. I then uttered those famous words to Brett that always precede some sort of incident, making it impossible to complete what it is I wanted to complete that day. It appears I Shall Never Learn.

"The livestock and children are fed. Everyone's doing schoolwork and I'm going to finish grading and mailing in these tests so I can finally get on with the rest of my life. If you could staple and stuff that would be a big help." 

Brett: My car is ready at the dealership. Can we pick it up first? 

Me: Sure, let's get that out of the way, no time like the present, etc. Besides, then on the way home you can stop at the grocery store for a few items the children will die without, such as pizza and juice, and we can finish up the tests while they're eating lunch.

Brett: Thanks. I'd really like to get my car back. 

Me: Just glad they figured out what was wrong with it!

----

Although Brett is an ASE certified mechanic in all areas, his computer at the shop still didn't know what was wrong with his car, and he knew it Was Time to Take it In to the dealership. This is very difficult for him to admit. It had been acting up for a few months though, so the breakdown was inevitable (both for him and the car). 

Got to the dealership, paid the damages, and drove out. Four blocks later, I noticed the car was making a funny noise. Funny "strange", not funny "ha-ha". I slowed way down. Then it started to shimmy. Then shake. Then shimmy and shake. Then the right front tire rolled off and I ground to a halt. Good thing Brett was driving directly behind me. Later, he said it was surreal, seeing that tire just roll right off. I turned off the car, clicked on the 4-ways while saying a bad word, and got in the car he was driving. Here's the damaged vehicle.

Doesn't look too bad from that angle, eh?  How about this one?

Ouch.

Did not take long for The Law to stop by. Being about -20 windchill here, there's not a lot of crime going on right now so he was on the scene pretty quick. He first questioned Brett, outside the vehicle. "Step outside, please." Yessir.

Then they came back to the vehicle I was in. They were totally turned the other way as the cop was talking with Brett and I oh-so-cleverly held my innocuous iPhone up to snap a pic, making it look like I was merely texting someone. But he noticed. This guy's good and deserves a raise. 

Then he came over to the window and asked who had been driving the damaged vehicle. I said I had. He asked, "Did you stop at Subway a few minutes ago?" 

Um, no. But now that you mention it, it sounds delicious.

But all I said to him was "No." I must have looked suitably innocent as he seemed to believe me--and because I don't joke with The Law. Probably a throwback to my high school days. 

Another Officer of the Law stopped by to have a look-see. She briefly looked at the non-existent tire area, then looked at the tire on the side of the road while trying to warm up her frostbitten cheeks.

Did I mention it was cold here today?

The tow guy stops to have a look-see also. 

From the Rear Window: yet another discussion at the police car.

Searching the road for lug nuts.

Found two!

More discussion, and now a little action. The tow truck has arrived.

 

Brett goes up to listen to the discussion. It appears they have never seen a tire come off a car before. This makes Brett nervous. But instead, apparently there was a tinkling-match between tow companies. First guy on the scene wanted to help us, then another guy showed up. A brief argument ensued over who got to tow this car four blocks back to the dealership.

Finally, the errant tire, which Brett had picked up off the side of the road, is retrieved from the trunk.

At that point I thought, "Isn't it a good thing that someone at the dealership didn't hide a body in there? 'Cause then I think that would necessitate further questioning by the policeman, and no doubt I'd have to go downtown and Give a Statement. And from watching too much Law & Order SVU, if I knew if asked for a lawyer I would be assumed guilty, especially if Olivia was questioning me. If it was Ice-T he would merely stand there with arms folded and a smug look on his face and quote statistics about female murderers and how I'll be treated in prison. If Elliot questioned me, I might be slammed up against the wall if I didn't confess, depending on What Kind of Day he'd already had and if his wife was still filing for divorce.

Yet if I didn't ask for counsel, they'd coerce me into saying something stupid and incriminating and I'd spend the rest of my life in prison, with some burly woman making me her sex slave.

Thankfully, the trunk was empty except for a spare and a jack. Brett says I think too much sometimes.

Then, the Putting Back On of The Tire. Later, when Brett had to pay the guy, it occurred to him that he should have put it back on himself. Ah well. 

 Baby gets loaded up on the tow truck.

"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is when tow company guys work together in unity." (paraphrased from Psalm 133:1, with apologies to King David)

Bye baby! Be well. Note the skid mark on the road left by the part of a car when the tire rolls off.

 

Then the policeman appeared at my window and asked me to sign something. I then asked him why he wanted to know why I'd been at Subway. He smiled and said, "Because a few minutes before I saw your car broken down, I'd gotten a call from Subway (which is across the street from the dealership) that someone had tagged their building, causing damage, but then just drove away. When I was on my way to Subway I saw you." 

Sometimes, there really is such a thing as a coincidence. But I had kinda been wondering why he took such a good long look at the Pontiac. 

On the way home, it suddenly occurred to Brett that while he was trying to assess the vehicle at his shop at home, before having taken it to the dealership, he had removed that tire to find out what needed to be repaired. And had only hand-screwed the lug nuts back on, forgetting to go back and tighten them with a lug wrench. So it was not the dealership's fault at all.

So, more repairs to pay for. And I retain the rights to remind him of this in a playful manner from time to time, such as when he complains about not being able to do something because the children/livestock/me prevent him from doing something he wants--I'll say things like "It's a bummer when the wheels of life fall off the chariot when you least expect it."

Oh yes, there's more where that came from.  

Be warm.